4/30/08

My mom yelled at me today. Over homework. She told me that I'm lazy and if I don't act up I'll end up working at McDonnalds She's right, but she didn't have to yell at me the way she did. She acted like I killed someone. Not to my suprise I started to cry. I lied to my grandma today that I needed to go to school at 12:45(I really have to go to school at 12:30) so I didn't have to wait around with a big crowd. Thankfully when I got there I saw a girl who's on my bus and we talked until it was time to go outside. I could tell she wanted to be with someone else instead of me, but atleast I wasn't alone. In math class we played Uno, and I haven't played it in a loooong time so I messed up a couple of times so this gay boy called me an a$$. I swear I get called a name everyday. Where is the love in this country?! Oh, and here's a cool pic I found, but I think it's emo and I ain't no emo.

4/29/08

Today was horrible! Ok, today all of the freshman needed to come to school at 12:30 because the rest of the students were testing. When we get to school we have to wait outside until they call us in. I was afraid of this because I don't like big groups of people. When I got there I saw that people were in their little cliques talking and laughing, but I had no one. I didn't see anyone I usually talk to or anyone I really knew. So I just stood there looking at the ground. Some people were looking at me. I felt so embarrased. And those boys were laughing at me in class today, again. I feel so alone and worthless. I never really felt these feeling before and I want them to go away. I'm starting to have suicidal thoughts too. But I know I will never kill myself. I'm too chicken and I don't want to cause my family pain. Sometimes I think that if I commit suicide people care about me and feel sorry for me. When I was younger I thought, "Why do people commit suicide, that's so stupid!" But now I see. (whoa, I used a lot of I's in this post)

4/28/08

Today was a kinda good day. I didn't feel as nervous around people and I made some people laugh. But everywhere I look I see couples kissing or hugging. Now more than ever I want a boyfriend. Someone to hold hands with down the hallway or someone to go to the movies with. I got asked out a couple of times this year but none of them I found attractive or "my type". One boy that asked me out was my friend. He's overweight, hispanic, and smokes pot. I don't care about the hispanic part, but the other two I can't live with. I want a boyfriend who's healthy and who doesn't get high. And I would never go out with him because he's my friend, and nothing more. So when I turned him down it was kind of akward. I told him that I couldn't date(I had to make an excuse). The other boy is a year older than me. I don't find him attractive at all. Plus he's a stalker. Sometimes he walks me to my bus and he gets my books and things. He's nice and all but I just can't see myself with him. Oh and did i mention that he is a perv. If I could pick the perfect boy or "my type" it would be someone taller than me,(I'm 5ft1 so that wouldn't be hard to find) someone who is dedicated, someone who is nice, and someone who could love me as I am. Looks would be a plus. So i guess I just have to wait until he asks me.

4/27/08

Today I went to my friend's(who has SA/social anxiety too)birthday party. Once again I hardly said anything. I just sat there and smiled. I had fun though. We went to this movie theatre that you can eat dinner while watching the movie. We watched Forbidden Kingdom(it kinda sucked). I wish I could have said more but I guess my SA got a hold of me. I'm starting to think that'll one day my friends will just give up on me because I'm quiet at times. I want to get help but help cost $$$. My parents can't afford a therapist and medication. They don't even know I have SA, but I think they're catching on. This is because I don't invite people over anymore. See I didn't use to be shy. It was only until I moved that I started to be anxious around people. I just wanted everyone to like me. Now I'm afraid that everyone is judging me. I hope I can get over this one day, until then I'll just keep on remaining silent.

4/25/08

Why do i come off as snobby? People are misinterpreting my shyness as something else. Today my friend( i dont have many) was hanging out with her friends and i had to hang with because i didnt have any one to talk too. I didn't say a word. Nada. All that time I was worried that they wouldn't like me. So I didn't say anything for they couldn't judge me. Now they think I'm snobby and I think I'm better than everyone else. It's not that, I'm just scared. These boys made my day even worse when they started to pick on me. I didn't hear what they were saying but I knew they were having a go at me because all they did during class was laugh and point at me. Why do people make fun of other people?! I didn't know when i reached high school I would be experiencing this. Elementry school and middle school yeah but not from people who are about to become adults! High school is complicated!